Approaching midlife

It's my birthday this week, and as I've been reflecting on being another year older, and closing in on yet another milestone, I've caught myself chasing down rabbit holes. 

I was told in my teens that I would be in a wheelchair in my 40's after a fall where I fractured my lower vertebrae.

So the threat of becoming less 'able bodied' is very real for me. And this can create a sense of urgency about all the things I haven't done yet.

And I judge myself for having 'unproductive' days, and there's a part of me that wants to squeeze in as much as possible whilst I still 'have the time'. 

I also have a protective part that judges me for looking older, and fears that I will be rejected because I'm too old, or not young 'enough'. 

I also have a young part that is learning to be playful again and do all the fun stuff I didn't get to do growing up (like chasing after boys, and being creative, and being the full expression of myself).

I have another part that wants to deny that I have a birthday this week, and hopes that nobody will notice to protect me from all these other parts that are getting louder.

And I have a part that is grieving all the things that could have been had I known then everything I know now (my unique gifts, my neuro-divergence, my spirituality to name but three).

Wait hang on, with everything I know now, I get to choose the life I want to live.

I have more financial freedom having worked my ass off when I was younger.

I get to choose who I want to hang around with without the social pressure (which sometimes includes being in my own company which I love).

I get to choose where I want to live (which sometimes includes travelling half way around the world).

I get to choose how I spend my time.

Which sometimes includes supporting others on their hero's journeys, and the choices they create.

Or singing in a choir. Dancing away to melodic house at a music festival. Working out at the gym. Going to a football game. Walking in nature.

I continue to break the mould of who I'm 'supposed to be' and to be all that I can be.

And every thread of grey hair, and every fold of skin, or dark shade, serves as a reminder of my wisdom and my lived experience. 

This is the gift of getting older. We get to be in service of others, whilst enjoying the life we create for ourselves.

Cheers to turning 45 🥂.