People pleasing

I'm a recovering people pleaser. 

Putting the needs of others before my own has been a character trait I think I was born with.

Avoiding conflict. Shrinking to fit in. Needing to be liked. To the point where I lost a sense of my own needs. 

And it was a pathway to stress, overwhelm, burnout and resentment.

Of course, there are strengths to this character trait. I'm empathic. I'm loving and giving. I can tune into other people's feelings and needs. I'm emotionally self aware.

But if left unchecked, it can be a pathway to self-destruction, pain and misery.

What have I learned from my own experiences, and the clients I work with?

It is that our stories are being shaped by what we are saying yes to and what we are saying no to.

And that it is not enough to say no, without a strong enough yes (because it's not that easy!). Our why needs to be stronger than our fear.

We can learn how to craft our no's so they are well received (more on this in a future post).

In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, "a no uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a yes merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble".

We can also reframe our no's. As youngsters we learned that a no was a source of rejection. And who knowingly wants to hurt others? But it was also how we were protected from harm.

A strategic no creates space for a more intentional yes. We can utilise the power of a no to grow. 

Your yes' and no's are what boundaries are made from. The foundation of a healthy relationship is trust and respect. And it starts with the relationship with ourselves.

Self care is not selfish. In an aeroplane, we are asked to put our own oxygen mask on first before helping others. We cannot pour from an empty glass.

Are there ways you can improve your own self care? How you treat yourself? How you find enjoyment, happiness, play, balance, companionship, rest?

Place boundaries where you need them the most. Know your no, identify what's important to you and acknowledge what's not.

Ask yourself, are you worthy of unconditional love or do you need to earn it? 

Can you learn to redirect some of that kindness and compassion to yourself?

Nurture yourself enough to speak your own truth. Learn to say no. Because every no is a yes to something else.

Do you want to overcome your people pleasing tendencies and live a happier, more fulfilling life without feeling guilty about it?