Unmasking Neurodivergence: Belonging in a World of Conformity
In a world where "neurotypical" standards shape everything from education to workplace norms, many neurodivergent individuals find themselves masking to fit in, a strategy that can feel like survival. We learn early that to connect with others and meet our attachment needs, we may need to act in ways that aren’t natural to us. But this survival strategy, though helpful in gaining approval, often comes at the cost of our authenticity—a sacrifice that renowned expert Dr Gabor Maté calls the “price of belonging.”
While masking helps us feel accepted and provides a sense of safety, it can ultimately leave us feeling isolated from ourselves. In the words of researcher Brené Brown, fitting in is not the same as belonging. Belonging means being accepted as we are, not as we pretend to be. Yet, for many neurodivergent individuals, the cost of masking often includes losing sight of who we truly are.
What Is Masking and Why Do We Do It?
Masking is the process of consciously or unconsciously hiding traits that might reveal one’s neurodivergence. It involves mimicking neurotypical behaviors, adapting language, gestures, and even emotions to blend into social settings that otherwise feel alien. For autistic individuals, masking might mean suppressing stims, like tapping or rocking, that help manage sensory overload. For those with ADHD, it could mean forcing oneself to sit still and focus on tasks that feel deeply unnatural.
But why do we mask? From childhood, many neurodivergent people learn that their natural ways of being are “different” or “wrong” and begin to adopt behaviors that allow them to gain acceptance or avoid judgment. Dr Gabor Maté explains that in early childhood, our brains are wired to prioritise attachment needs—our deep-seated need to connect with others and feel a sense of safety in relationships. When these attachment needs feel threatened, many of us resort to masking as a way to keep those connections intact. However, in doing so, we can lose sight of who we are, developing a version of ourselves that’s curated to please others, not to express our true selves.
The Pitfalls of Masking: Loss of Self and Chronic “Fitting In”
Masking can become a habit, leading to a deep disconnection from our authentic identity. Over time, masking often transforms from a temporary strategy into a chronic state of self-erasure. In trying to “fit in” with a neurotypical world, we may lose touch with what actually matters to us, adapting instead to what we think others expect. This pattern can lead to people-pleasing behaviours, perfectionism, and even hyper-achievement—striving to compensate for our difference through extraordinary efforts, seeking approval through success rather than authentic connection.
Brené Brown’s work on belonging highlights the distinction between fitting in and true belonging. Fitting in means changing ourselves to meet external expectations, whereas belonging allows us to be seen as we are. When we mask, we settle for fitting in, often at the cost of genuine self-worth. Masking keeps us safe from judgment or exclusion, but it keeps us from feeling deeply known and accepted.
The Consequences of Chronic Masking: People-Pleasing, Perfectionism, and Burnout
Masking often leads to unhealthy patterns. Many neurodivergent people become expert people-pleasers, constantly tuning into others’ needs, pushing down their own in the process. Some may develop a perfectionistic mindset, driven by the fear of criticism or rejection. Others turn to hyper-achievement, excelling in certain areas as a way to “prove” their worth or compensate for perceived deficits.
Over time, these patterns can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a sense of identity loss. When our self-worth is so intertwined with the approval of others, it becomes difficult to know who we are when we’re not trying to please someone or “achieve” something.
Reconnecting with Our True Selves Through Coaching
If masking has led you to disconnect from your authentic self, you’re not alone. Many neurodivergent adults find themselves wondering who they are beyond the masks they’ve worn for years. Here, coaching can be an invaluable resource—a safe space to reconnect with your essence, values, and strengths.
As a coach, I work with clients to help them peel back the layers of expectation and re-encounter their core values, interests, and unique traits that often got buried under the pressure to conform. Coaching provides tools to explore and rediscover one’s own preferences and strengths and to recognise the unique contributions neurodiversity brings to the world.
Through intentional work, coaching clients can:
• Reconnect with their values, discovering what genuinely matters to them beyond external approval.
• Identify and nurture strengths that might have gone unrecognised in a neurotypical environment.
• Cultivate self-compassion and learn to embrace their unique ways of thinking and feeling as sources of strength.
Embracing Neurodiversity: A Vital Part of Human Biodiversity
Just as biodiversity is essential to the health of ecosystems, neurodiversity is vital to the richness of our communities. The world needs different perspectives and unique cognitive styles to solve complex problems, create innovative solutions, and add depth to our social fabric. Embracing neurodivergence isn’t just about personal growth; it’s about recognising the indispensable role that every person—autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, or otherwise—plays in the broader ecosystem of humanity.
As we learn to take off the mask, embrace our authenticity, and value our unique contributions, we move toward a world where everyone can find true belonging without compromising their essence. Coaching offers the tools and support to navigate this journey, helping us to honour the gift of neurodiversity as something as valuable to society as biodiversity is to the planet.
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